Wednesday, July 19, 2006

the troops, the troops...

the fucking troops!

i think i am going to start stealing those stupid support the troops bumper magnets.

because i have decided, today, inspired by this thoughtful piece, that i fully and one hundred percent do not support the fucking troops.

yes, these are poor, long-suffering folk, who are fighting for what they apparently believe in, and they are poor, have had hard-knock type lives, and are just looking for a way out. and the army seems like a great idea! and now they are out there fighting for our liberty. your grandpa was probably one, how could you possibly be against the troops!?! even michael damn moore is for the troops.

i don't care!

they are a bunch of - and i plagiarise bill hicks here lovingly - hired fucking killers. they are not your grandpa. and generally, when poor people escape poverty through violence, it is more or less frowned upon. and look at what the troops say when you see them on the telly-vision! "we're fighting for freedom!" yes, that entire family you shelled from miles above were posing an enormous threat to your freedom. i'm going out on a limb here, but i'm going to guess that when you're in a fighter jet, nothing without rockets can pose a threat to your personal freedom.

you don't get an exemption from having a conscience just because you were poor and signed up for something you didn't know enough about, and now you're 'just following orders.'

how can we bring about world peace? just stop fucking fighting. for fuck's sakes! stop! it doesn't matter who started it, how much they're paying you, or who told you to do it. you are killing people, and that is wrong. and if you - the troops! - quit doing it, who the fuck do you think is going to? look at the people in government - and in positions of leadership in general, really! once enough of the grunts quit, the draft-dodging fuckwads who run this meat-grinder we call a planet will have nobody left to shoot their guns (and rockets, artillery shells, smart-bombs, bunker-busters, etc. etc. etc.). and we all know that growing up a saudi billionaire or a texan one tends to make one averse to getting one's hands dirty.

da-dum! there it is. ali states the obvious, featuring lots of profanity.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

things that piss me off.

so, i haven't posted a thing, for quite a long time. because the seed of misanthropy which has always been present in my wee little congealed heart, has been flourishing under the summer light, and when not enjoying my time off in animalistic self-destruction, my more rational side has been rather hermit-y and sullen, particularly when it comes to the better part of this human race of ours. as every crusty old maid has opined at one time or another, if you haven't got something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

however! i have elected to channel a tidge of this bitterness into some prose for you-all's delectation. 'you-all' being the hypothetical audience of this blog, which has likely dwindled into nothingness by now. if i haven't got something nice to say, i shall at least state my disheartening grievances in a pleasing fashion.

i am at work right now. this is one of the prime things which piss me off. see, for one thing, i hate the fact that i have to engage in this sort of soul-crushing robotic parrot-work in order to support myself and my vices. i hate corporations; all of their doublespeak and euphemism, their blindness and amorality, and most of all the pitiful drones that are my co-workers, who plod through their daily lives unaware of the fact that life could be better in so many ways, if only they were to collectively realize it. quite frankly, there is no reason for my job to exist.

which is one of the many reasons which i hate conservatives. because they are endlessly harping on about how corporations are ever-so efficient, and how all of our problems will be solved by the miracle-working of our brave CEOs. however, the private sector is predominantly composed, like every other 'sector,' of enormous idiots. every corporation with which i have ever dealt has made decisions the likes of which the most inbred retard would be ashamed to have even thought. my employer, for one, has pissed away 100 dollars just today by paying me to be at work for eight hours, doing nothing, posting inflammatory remarks about their idiotic policy choices. even the wacko liberals who deride corporations for being pathological and immoral, completely miss the point. companies don't care only about profit; in fact, they don't care about much of anything. they are fictitious entities, amorphous clouds of silly people bound together only by their suckling at the withered teat of the company payroll.

and obviously, if i hate conservatives and liberals in equal measure, i must have a healthy cupful of loathing for the united states, that wonderful case study which shows the rest of the world how easy it is to be disgusted with both sides of an argument, when its premises are sufficiently idiotic. and while i am sure i will hate china when it holds the balance of world power (not, of course, to say that it doesn't already), i will much prefer hating a real authoritarian regime than one which is too pussified to reveal its true nature. america is basically a huge corporation whose board of directors are presently engaged in a process of massive responsibility-liquidation before they get the fuck out of Dodge. and while i'm on about the Great Satan, and different reasons why it and its culture suck bloated testes, how about advertising? everyone who is in involved in advertising: you serve no useful purpose. you are sucking the joy out of being a human being, and ruining everything good about life. your job is to create a desire which only you can fulfil (for a price, of course), and then to endlessly withold the satisfaction of fulfilment. fucking kill yourself, advertisers, you are the scum of the scum of the earth.

so, as these different phenomena which have me bothered are all human concerns and/or constructions, i feel that i should delve deeper, and consider those human traits which are responsible for our society's paucity of redeeming characteristics. foremost, i would say, is confidence. i fucking hate confidence, for a number of reasons, not least of which is that i have little of it. but, i am proud of my lack of confidence! for you confident folk, with your self-assured grins and swaggering gaits, will be the ruin of us all. see, confidence is more or less the supreme arbiter of cultural recognition and social mobility in our society. the determining characteristic of a leader, in particular, is his or her (but most likely his) level of confidence. and with the greatly exaggerated importance of 'leadership' in this herdlike social hierarchy of ours, we are compelled to obey the will of ranks upon ranks of people chosen to command us based solely on how forcefully they can do so. we are social beings, and thus i think it not inappropriate to assert that every shitty decision ever made is because an overconfident idiot drowned out someone with a better idea.

so, i'm sure you're all thinking, gosh, ali. from your privileged and lofty post as some douchebag with a computer, you certainly have ripped into the flawed institutions of our society with equal measures of cleverness and insight! but are there any naturally-occurring phenomena that really piss you off??

of course! how about physics, for one? ever dropped something? tripped over something? gotten tangled up in some wires? it's all the fault of fucking physics! i call for a boycott.

not to mention electricity; how the fuck does that shit work, anyways??

but that's enough heated vitriol for the time being.

in case you're really feeling down and out after reading this, and need to have your faith in humanity restored by something astonishingly hilarious, head on down and give wigu a read. start from the beginning, and read it all - it's even better if you're at work, and you're effectively stealing back some of your surplus labour from the Man!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

violent derby crusades!

blogging is dead.....

things are so exciting in the world of bumbleberries and catnip most people refer to as my mind...

such a busy/productive summer on the horizon...

i've begun recording songs for a couple music projects i have on the go....some spacey....some poppy.....mostly just tunes....not much muck-raking

i'm playing with my friend Matt's band Observatory for the summer. We just played a beach show on Saturday at Erie Beach....we burned the stage at the end of the night....

i'm also in the process of writing a script with my friend rob feetham about the lives of cannabil will most likely be a film made with the help of roomie Brit Cruise

i also live with a vagina.......her name is alex.


JULY 14 and 15, 2006 - Observatory and Hey! Death? opening for SQUARE ROOT OF MARGARET

AUGUST, 2006 - The HIpbones at The Alex P. Keaton

Hopefully more shows to be announced shortly

currently listening to:

Thom Yorke - The Eraser

The Violent Femmes - "Please Don't Go" (Track from their S/T Album)

Kid Koala - Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Brent Peltier's Electro-pop record....

Currently Watching:

Star Trek TNG

Entertainment Tonight Canada

Currently Reading:

Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut

Sunday, April 30, 2006

racket balls and rough gems.

it's 5:45 am

i am unable to fall into a sweet slumbering embrace...........(that is such a gay line....)

islands is playing again.........i think i love this's frightening....i never thought i'd actually like an album like this ever again.........thought i was a bit too "senile", "confused" or "jaded" often has the word jaded been used in pop-punk songs? (too many)

tickled pink......

i feel like i should say congratulations to all my "colleagues" who have recently "graduated"..............i think i like you guys....

is it bad to "always" be an ironic jerk?

i really do love you pumpkins!

eano and i had "a chat" and decided maybe you all need a change in direction..........JOIN US!.....JOIN US!!!!!!!!!!!!!................we're not bad leaders, and we think you'd appreciate the selection of pastries.

sugar cane.

get it mimi?

i will find out this month if grad school is a conceivable option........WHO KNOWS!.........marks mean too much............

i'm still unemployed........can anybody help fix that?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


eeeek.....textual stimulation, verbal alienation, and scrotal burn!

this is not a test .........

there is a new breed of punk rock patriots brewing in the depths of Effortless Records......

My brother and fellow sound (child) molestor Liam have started a new rock combo called
Raider Pride......we have no songs, no lyrics and no talent.......but we do have the album and song titles officially figured out..

The album will be called "Who's Got Raider Pride?....WE'VE GOT RAIDER PRIDE!!!!!'

potential song titles include:

1.) Communists Want Your Stuff...And They Want You Dead!
2.) Death to The Plenum Theorists
3.) I Think All Apples Are Stupid
4.) Stop Diddling Each Other...We Need More Children!
5.) A Naive Moment in Human History
6.) I Know I'll Have a Job....I Have No Talent!
7.) The Cow Gums Somebody To Death
8.) Annexation Dragon
9.) That Foreign Guy Looks Like Bert
10.) Channelling is Just Yuppie Possession
11.) From Hamburgers to Ancient Philosophy
12.) Vague Continent
13.) Out of The sidewalk Jungle
14.) A Fire Looks Good on Colour TV

Thursday, April 13, 2006

pitchfork finally got it right.

i'm fucking loving the islands record.

2 and a half years ago i had myself convinced that nothing could ever top the unicorns......and although i think that it's still a far superior album i'm pretty impressed with the latest from n.d and j.t.

i'm going into the studio this weekend for a little pre-session for this new project i'm working on. think of it as cam and friends.......i want to basically get everyone i know with a musical spirit in and just see what happens..........


looking forward to:

-the death of professor stainton
-true friends
-baked goods

not looking forward to:

- finding employment
- my own death
- soy mutton (it's TERRIBLE)

.......some people are so sad and pathetic it makes me's a really icky way.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006


tired of only getting one oppurtunity to celebrate the day I squeezed myself out of my mom's warm, moist, slightly pugent vagina?


your prayer's have been answered.

due to the intensely busy time of the year I am offering you all not one...but two fantastic chances to catch me in drunken, debaucherous, potentially naked action!

My real birthday is tomorrow, Wednesday, April 5!

1.) Join me, and probably ali and sean for an evening at Alex P, Keaton, or potentially Call The Office tomorrow April 5!

2.) Join me on saturday, april 8 at the Forest City Art Gallery where I will be attending a performance by the Barmitzvah Brothers

and don't forget that on April 10, 2006 I will be playing at the Alex P. Keaton first with a solo band....and then as drummer for The Hipbones............

im shameless.......AND NAKED!