facts about beavers.

well i found out something today! in the woods behind my house, there are beavers! i didn't even think we had beavers around here. i thought they were northern types, what with all their fur and suchlike. but we know that there are beavers, because there are trees that are all chewed up and fallen over as a result and also there is a beaver dam. but we did not see any beavers, that was sad. in any case, using the powerful method of scientific inquiry known as making shit up, me and my roommate came to some conclusions about beavers. so here are some fun facts about beavers which you may not have already known! imagine it as a childrens' book about beavers, with illustrations and such, and it'll be a lot more fun. maybe i'll go take some pictures documenting all these facts and you will have no choice but to believe me.

- beavers are space rats, marooned here from another world. by slapping their tails on the water, they think that they can communicate with their home planet. but really, they're beavers, do you really think their tails have that power? fuck no, they live in dams for chrissakes and are fuckups. we know this because we are fuckups. thank god we don't live in a dam.
- beavers love beer. especially lakeport beer, because they don't have a lot of money. sometimes when they get drunk they try to order takeout with their phones, which are made of sticks and mud. this is unsuccessful because a) sticks and mud can't call shit, and b) they have nothing to pay the delivery man with, nor do they have an address. we know this because there was beer and a styrofoam container on the ground near one of their dams.
- when beavers get drunk, sometimes they try to build dams full of stupid shit like garbage and used condoms and lameness. also they forget that they have already got dams, and thus there is three dams in our friggin crick. each one is progressively more poorly built. that is how we know that they are drunkass fools. we think that maybe they got into a fight and decided to go build their own individual dams.
- beavers eat foods such as: corn on the cob, shish kabob, and celery. also anything else that they can chew around, such as a human leg, or a dick. we know this because beavers like to chew.
- the problem with the show Spin City was that michael j. fox didn't do enough werewolf stuff. the plot would have been much better if he was a werewolf working in a mayor's office and he had an insatiable lust for flesh. we think that he could solve the city's homeless problem by eating them! also his show should feature such characters as: Voltron, Super Mario, and Donald Duck.that didn't have anything to do with beavers.
- beavers live in filth and excrement. we know this because their crick smelled like pee. they probably just pee in there all the time and don't even care. beavers suck.
- AIDS came into the country from a hunter who had sex with a beaver. all that bullshit about africa and monkeys is just a scam by the africans to promote tourism.
- beavers obviously aren't very hard workers, because their dams just look like a big pile of shit. they should probably go to jail because you know damn well they're behind on property taxes for their dams. because we all know beavers don't have any money.

in summation, beavers are probably the highest form of intelligence on the planet earth. we should all bow down before our beaver overlords. and let them eat our legs if we have to. if we're lucky, in our next lives we can be reborn as beavers.