file under, did not see THAT coming.

so, tonight i find out that my parents are splitting up, apparently.

um, what the fuck?! i mean, i'm not even sure how long they've been married, but i'm thinking easily 20ish years. seeing as i'm 19.

without airing too much of my peculiar family's dirty laundry, let me state that one parent (who shall remain nameless) has been historically the one to 'stray' from the confines of ye olde marital bliss. and has brought no small amount of discontent to parent #2 in so doing. and i find out tonight, that parent #2 would seem to have learned from example, and is pursuing their own particular brand of extracurricular activity. well ain't that poetic justice.

as you may have guessed, i'm not exactly rah-rah on the matrimony thing. and if they want to break up, let 'em go. i couldn't really care either way. i'm a long way past the whole, i need my parents to be a perfect happy little unit, mostly cos they never really were. and maybe if they both find a little more satisfaction in their own lives they'll stop living vicariously through mine so much.

like the selfish asswad that i am, though, i've come to question the implications of this discovery for my own life and extracurricular activities. and i'm sarcastically saying that i'm a selfish ass, cos i sincerely think that my own life is the only part of this debate that i want to or should get into. the politics of matrimony don't even come close to interesting me. remind me not to ever pull that bullshit.

so i'm thinking, this means that i'm going to be living with my dear old pops 24/7. since after all, the only thing sending him back to cha-damn on the weekends was my ol' mam. and i was perfectly happy with the arrangement that we had. i got parental supervision four nights a week to keep me from turning into an utter doped-up moron, plus use of his car, plus weekends of freedom. plus i pay no rent. all was well. but i didn't friggin sign on to be living with a parental unit seven days a week. thus i am put in the most awkward position of all time. i mean, i love both my parents to bits, but i'm not big on the idea of constant parental supervision anymore. so what the fuck am i to do? do i hit my poor old dad while he's down from a pretty traumatizing experience, and tell him that i really don't want to live here anymore? or do i shut up and live another two years under the sad spectre of parental influence? jesus, if that ain't the million dollar question.

*sigh*

if i've ever had a week of friggin drama, this has been it. my laid-back stonerdom has been taxed to its limits. i wouldn't say that i'm exactly 'stressed,' more just concerned for the continued enjoyability of my living conditions.

ah well. it is what it is.

to myself, and to anyone looking for some peace of mind, here's this. my most beloved passage from any book ever, the final rolling cadenza of on the road. the first time i finished reading this book i was shaking by the last chapter, and i broke down and wept for a good five minutes as i read the last sentence.

"So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where they let the children cry, and tonight the stars'll be out, and don't you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what's going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty."

sometimes there's so much beauty in the world.