an open letter, concerning your pants.

dear girls of western (and some guys),

i hate to keep bitching about your clothes. because it makes me seem petty, and entirely un-intellectual. not that i ever really seemed otherwise, but at least i don't need to rub it in every time i post. but you just keep asking for it!

let me tell you a story.

in 1872, Levi Strauss invented the 'blue jean,' and started a trend that everyone can live with. his sturdy riveted denim pants set the stage for a revolution in non-overall-type pants that can be worn by coal miners and trendy idiots alike. these pants tended to wear unevenly, lending the wearer a look of insouciant disheveledness, perfect for the beat generation. different sorts of washes, treatments, and colorations gave us an unprecedented variety in our pants-wearing options over the decades, from green-jeans to acid-wash, all of which had their own unique charm.

yet one thing bound together this otherwise diverse bunch of indigo pantaloons. they all had two front pockets at one's hips, and two back pockets, situated firmly upon one's butt cheeks. and they had seams which ran, quite logically, down the sides of the pants.

why, why must you tamper with this divinely-ordained blue-jean archetype? there's absolutely no call for it. if it's good enough for a coal miner trapped under thousands of tons of rock, it's good enough for you, ugg-wearing airhead girls.

when you wear jeans with no ass pockets, seams running down the front, or, god forbid, embroidered patterns, you fool with the will of god, as communicated by His bavarian-dry-goods-merchant servant. and why? do you enjoy looking as though you grew up in a trailer park? have you got some aversion to shopping at stores which don't suck? does your mom own a Stitches? or maybe you're engaged in some kind of bizarre make-work project in which your clothes are purchased for you by the handicapped.

and those aren't even all of the possible unholy abominations which have been executed by the fashion-challenged. you guys who wear carpenter jeans, you ought to just go and choke on a scrotum. do you really need that extra little denim doohickey, and the ugly pocket halfway down your leg? how often do you paint things? i'm going to guess never. eat shit. and then get new pants.

and finally, while cargo shorts are laudable for their shoplifting-friendly bagginess, anyone who has participated in the sick fetish which is the 'cargo jean' should, in the classic words of funkyzeit mit bruno be placed on a train and sent bye-bye to a camp somewhere. the same goes for anyone with a pair of jeans that features reflective material of any sort. randy river is basically a terrorist bombing, in clothing store form.

so, in closing; the canonical form of the jean offers you so many choices. colour, finish, wear patterns - the call is yours. even change the size of the pockets, or paint all over them.

but for god's sake, don't fuck with a good format.

sincerely yours,

the rationally-minded public at large